ChrisWrestling's blog
My Relationship With Wrestling
I've been around for 20 years and that alone blows my mind. On top of that my experiences as a grappler are no where near what I want them to be. I didn't wrestle in school and I didn't start training BJJ till about 10 years ago and part of me is ashamed that in that time I've only achieved the rank of blue belt. Hell, at the time of this writing I only have 34 confirmed past opponents from here and that number is probably pretty close to the real number as far as people I've met online. It isn't so low by choice but more situation. I'm also shocked how few people in my area are actually active on here. For me, wrestling is very much so tied into my sense of well being. Training BJJ often times helped me fight off my depression and anxiety even when my body was creating limitations on how much I could roll.
This spring my knee was injured and I have, for the first time in my life, had to turn down people who were visiting despite how much I really wanted to roll with them. I've come to hate my job because at the end of a shift my knee is swollen and very stiff and I don't have a way of leaving for something which would allow me to heal. It's been two years since I've trained BJJ and almost as long since my last matches, or so it feels like. I'm, frankly not ok. At 39 I feel 40 coming on fast and I really want to go back and be 16 again so I can try out for my highschool wrestling team, I want to start BJJ in my freshman year of college, I want to build a positive relationship with cardiovascular and strength training. I want the wrestler's body and skill.
This ties in a lot with my last post where I discussed why I started my youtube channel and my frustrations with people on here. I want to be pushed and challenged by the wrestlers around me and it isn't the same rolling with straights in BJJ. It's not that I want to fuck everyone I roll with, I've only once had sex after rolling and as hot as it was, wrestling alone is the journey for me. Win or lose it's about that journey, the challenge, the oxytocin, and without it I fall apart. If I could make a living wrestling, I would.
This is why my depression has been deeper as of late than it ever has been. I am unable to do what I love for an indefinite time and this crushes my sense of identity. I want a good physique but I'm not motivated to exercise when all I can get is vanity points. I want to be in a big room with other wrestlers training in our singlets. I want the support of my team. I want to compete and actually win at tournaments. I want to get past my anxieties and eat consistently (yeah, not eating meals has become a huge problem for me) and I want to earn cauliflower ear.
So, that's where I am and why you haven't been hearing much from me lately.
jwest1111 (0)
9/23/2023 1:28 AMTry Tylenol 8-hr extended tabs for you knee. I have arthritis and was taking something for the pain, but then I developed an ulcer from it. My doctor recommended Tylenol extended tabs (arthritis formula) 2 tabs, three times a week. It has no sedation and works very well. As for depression you might want to see a therapist. Unfortunately, the anti-depressant medications don't work very well despite the many claims for them by the drug companies. https://www.madinamerica.com/2023/09/the-stard-scandal-scientific-misconduct-on-a-grand-scale/
But the one thing you must absolutely avoid is electroconvulsive treatment. https://www.madinamerica.com/2022/05/shady-world-shock-treatment/
ChrisWrestling (43 )
9/23/2023 1:41 AM(In reply to this)
I don't use nsaids if I can avoid it and have a physical therapist. I also have a psychologist and psychiatrist and I'm heavily medicated. I'm also doing shrooms to help with my mental state but what I really need is to wrestle more
SkullBeef (11)
9/23/2023 8:45 AMI appreciate you sharing your story and I'm sorry you're dealing with this saddening situation. For different reasons from yours, I suffer heavily from my own depression and turmoil; it got really bad last night to the point where if a friend of mine didn't reach out to me and I didn't distract myself with drinks, I probably would've off'd myself, like it got that bad for me and I haven't relapsed like that in a while. I don't know if you'll relate, but I feel like I've gotten lost in life and I don't have anyone to genuinely push and challenge me like my high school days. You've figured out that wrestling and BJJ makes you tick like clockwork, and I hope to find what makes me tick someday. Maybe it's wrestling too, I wouldn't know cause I'm still largely new.
We don't live too far away and I try to be active on here and check on things, so if you ever wanna talk in person and chat/rant about our lives, I'm down and always willing to lend a listening ear. With school starting, I'll be pretty active around the UWT campus. Perhaps I could be your 35th opponent at some point, but I'd rather have you heal and be in the right mindset before any wrestling happens. Always down to be a friend first.
jwest1111 (0)
9/23/2023 11:37 AMChris, You might start something new in your life. I don't know how you stand with your education, but you might consider the Oregon State University e-campus. They offer an accredited degree all on-line with dozens of majors to choose from. I took several courses from them and was very satisfied. https://ecampus.oregonstate.edu/?utm_keyword=Oregon%20State%20University%20Ecampus&msclkid=4179b653d9be1120c21fd35d687585d7&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=SB%20-%20MS%20-%20Broad%20brand%20-%20No%20Micro%20Cluster%20%2B%20No%20Program%20-%20LeadGen%20-%20Search%20-%20BOF%20-%20Keyword%20-%20Brand%20-%20RFI&utm_term=Oregon%20State%20University%20Ecampus&utm_content=SB%20-%20MS%20-%20Broad%20brand%20%2B%20No%20Micro%20Cluster%20%2B%20No%20Program%20-%20OSU%20Ecampus%20-%20LeadGen%20-%20Search%20-%20BOF%20-%20Keyword%20-%20Brand%20-%20RFI
jwest1111 (0)
9/23/2023 11:39 AMIt might help you look forward to the future instead of dwelling on your problems with your knee all the time. I know I was very depressed while I was in college, and what saved me was focusing on my education and career. It paid off in many ways.
bjjgrappler (11)
9/24/2023 5:15 AMI feel your pain especially with finding something like grappling as your passion or love. I too have come to enjoy grappling so much, I do it almost daily and see doing it for the rest of my life. I’m very passionate about the sport and find it a healthy addiction. I only wish you the best and hope you get back in the mat and remain on it for life!
Hard2Hold (10 )
9/24/2023 6:33 PMChris,
You don’t know me and it’s likely we will never meet. However, I want you to know that through your posts and your videos, you have inspired me over time. Several months ago I started training in BJJ due at least partly to your influence. And your honest and open sharing regarding wrestling as a gay man, BDSM, and sex has helped me better understand myself, and has opened up new areas in my life. I would say you have broken new ground with some of what you put out there, and that’s no small thing.
As far as “only” achieving the rank of blue belt, I think you don’t give yourself enough credit. Becoming a blue belt is my fantasy at this point, and I will be ecstatic if I eventually get there. It’s more than what 99% of the guys on this site will ever achieve.
As another example, I learned of an acquaintance and member of our community who just received his blue belt. It took him 10 years, and he had numerous setbacks along the way. My respect for him is even greater than someone gifted who got it done in two years.
I would love to have wrestled on my high school wrestling team, and started training in BJJ in my twenties. But that was not possible for many reasons. We are all on our own journey, and comparing ourselves to others is a losing battle. Our only goal should be being a better version of ourselves than we were yesterday. And setbacks and mis steps are inevitable in that process.
In terms of mental health, my own experience has been that improvements come with greater social connections. The more you can link up with a group of guys, ideally in person, who truly get you and value you, and who you can share your feelings with, the happier you will be. After searching most of my life for guys like that, a few years ago I found them, through a local leather/BDSM fraternal organization. (Or maybe it’s more accurate to say they found me.). And that changed my life. But human connection is key.
In sports, injuries are a reality, and some get sidelined but still find joy in the sport by being involved in other ways while they heal, or longer term. Finding a place where people value you is key. If the people you are around don’t value you, it doesn’t mean you have no value. It just means you’re hanging with the wrong people. Find your people, and your whole outlook will change.
I want you to know you’ve helped me, and I thank you for that.
GrapplerFL (11)
9/25/2023 4:58 AMhi Chris - i train BJJ and have also dealt with depression at times and i hope to offer this insight - perhaps you've been told this before by your doctors or therapists but its very true. Training like BJJ that gets your heart rate up, its almost like taking an anti-depressant. Pushing the heart rate like that just improves mood and mental outlook. BJJ also is so complicated to learn and excell at that it makes you block out other stuff if you're gonna excell, which also helps with mood.
maybe there's a way to replace one High Impact Heart Rate Increasing activity with another - that you CAN do - that will go a long way to making your mood even out.
there's no replacement for the camaraderie and competition and all that - but your basic mood will be somewhat more even and manageable once you have another activity that makes your heart rate go up the same way. please give this a try :)
f4leglock (10)
9/29/2023 10:55 PMGreat post Chris, but sad to read about what you are going through. Life can be tough, and it’s made tougher when we get injured, especially when we are physical guys into bodybuilding and wrestling. You are only young…you may not believe it, but you are. And the body had the amazing ability to rebuild, and yours will eventually. Your grappling journey will continue.
I haven’t checked this site out for knees, but I do know the guy who owns it, as he trained at our gym a few years ago. The website is Savvytouch.com He has some amazing products, and some if us who train grappling at our club use his products.