Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

I started with Gracie Barra four months ago and have been wondering how to handle the situation. My first instinct is to focus on training and feel out the crowd. The more people get to know me as a person, the less any revelation of sexual orientation will matter. I've had a couple of setups where I could have revealed myself, but the first happened only a few lessons in and I didn't think it was the right moment. More recently, someone asked me why I was still single - not specific to the gender of partner. I gave some generic answer, and refrained from saying, "I just haven't found the right man yet." I doubt anyone knows or suspects I'm gay. Frankly, it doesn't matter for training. But now that I'm getting to know my training partners, I feel ready to go the next step.

Here's something that happened in my school and I was kind of surprised by it... I was in a training session. A guy in his 20s walked in to signup. He was wearing a shirt with very readable, big lettering that said "GAY FURRIES." I thought that took some nerve to walk into a totally new environment such as a BJJ school with such a proclamation on his chest. I am far more subtle about my presentation.

According to the "GB Fundamentals" course, required of all staff and coaches, discrimination, to include sexual orientation, is not tolerated in the GB system. I'm sure local school cultures will vary, but it is decreed from the highest level of the organization that GB is a safe space. In my experience, it has been a safe space. I hope it stays that way when and if I disclose my orientation.

Happy to read about your journey. When I finally got the nerve to go, I found out that most of my fears were mostly in my head. I tend to over-research, and had read some homophobic things that some of the older Gracie’s had said and done a long time ago, and just wondered how much it affected the culture of their schools. Turns out, Gracie is a huge family with all different sorts of characters, and really they seem to just want to make money above all else in the family business, which for them is Jiu Jitsu.

I was also nervous about my own reaction to the training, but it’s basically the same as anyone else. There is no time or energy left for anything other than learning. Just show up, pay attention, give it your best, treat people with respect, no problems.

Finally, I’m in a very socially conservative, rural, right-wing area. This just added to my fears, but again, I got the sense that there would be no problem if I just work hard, show respect, train like everyone else. I can see the awkwardness of getting to know other classmates and not knowing how they think, but I’ve gotten pretty good and changing the subject somehow over the years if I’m uncomfortable. Unfortunately, our little GB didn’t last much longer after I signed up, so I never got to know anyone well enough to find out how that would’ve gone.

I was nervous about joining a formal training program like this because wrestling had always been more of a sexually-inclined interest than actual sport. Over the years, I matured my approach and was finally ready to focus on the sport (with anything else as icing on the cake). By the time I joined GB at the age of 53, I was ready for what I wish I had started decades earlier!

I didn't do the research you did about the Gracie's - I depended on the referral of my chiropractor who trained at GB and has kids enrolled there. The school provided the support I needed as a beginner, as an older person, and the sportsmanship among students is healthy. I don't feel any need to share my sexual orientation, but I wouldn't deny it if it came up organically. That came with 4 months of getting to know my professors and fellow students. I think they'd be okay with it, but until I have a reason to risk it, I probably won't. That said, if you come to Florida, I hope you'd join me for a session at my GB!

NYCBruin & Swemoro said it best. You sort of have to bite the bullet and just go into the dojo with an open mindset. Read the room, feel the vibe, and just be yourself. This will help you if you are still working out which dojo you want to join. Plus, let the guys (and girls) get to know you a bit too. Talk with the coach. Establishing rapport with them is going to hopefully make you feel more comfortable over time.

I STRUGGLED to get past that first stage. Fear of being 'accepted' into this community for being a gay man wanting to learn BJJ. I held back on not telling anyone for months until competition day (entirely my mistake and not my original plan) but my fellow students met my husband that very day. I could tell they were surprised but that didn't change their attitude towards me whatsoever. In fact, ever since I came out to all the guys at the gym, we have been like brothers. So opening up to your teammates and Coaches takes time. At the end of the day, we are all stepping up to the mats trying to learn and improve our skill. And if your school doesn't support you for you who are you off the mats, then there are always other gyms out there who will.

Each Gracie Barra is unique. Generally they are “Jiu Jitsu for everyone” so they are going to promote a safe training environment.

We have a group for LGBTQ+ people doing BJJ. It’s called Triangles Everywhere. There are over 850 members worldwide & over 35 blackbelts.

There have been very few reports of homophobic incidents at anyone’s gym. There have been some transphobia experiences by members.

In general you should expect to be fine at any gym you attend.

Thats amazing! Never heard of Triangles Everywhere but I would like to get more involved in that somehow. Definitely gonna look that up. Thanks for the info! 🤙🏼

Thanks for the info!

When I moved to a town with a Gracie Barra school which was run by a Gracie family member. I was there 18 months, and initially before life got to busy I’d train there every session, which was twice a day Monday to Friday, once on Saturdays. After that I’d train three to five times a week. The owners father would run the school when his son was away and as we were both “old” men age I would enjoy chatting with him after class or when I was tired from rolling. I was less comfortable about being gay then but I think/hope that I’d have answered honestly if anyone asked about my wife or girlfriend. No one ever did ask me, perhaps they knew there might never be a girl for me, grin, I don’t know. I can say in all my time on the mat, in the locker room and chatting to the other students and instructors, and also hearing lots of other conversations that I never heard a homophobia comment or slur. The culture of a well run school flows down from the instructors, in my opinion, and I never felt uncomfortable there.
One of the places I train at is primarily Muay Thai. It’s students include competitive fighters and when I first joined the head instructor took me on a tour of the gym and said to me without prompting that there was zero tolerance for discrimination including sexual orientation.
I think the bottom line is, as other have said, that schools are different. Some are more aggressive, some are homophobic, some are less concerned about training you effectively and more about taking your money, some instructors claim to have belts or skills they don’t. Look around, try a gym, get to know the culture and if it’s not right move. Most will give you a free class or two for this purpose they sometimes it takes longer to get a feel for a place. One I knew offered a black belt in BJJ for $5,000 and I think it was 5 blackest belts in different styles for $15,000. I’d love a black belt in BJJ but they are generally earns, rather than bought, so tempted as I was I didn’t train there, grin.
One finally story. In 2002, I was training freestyle wrestling and I wasn’t out at the club I trained at. I entered, without them knowing, the gay games and I was lucky enough to get a bronze. I wanted to acknowledge the club for their support in training me and that I’d won a medal. The coach and his secondary school age son, the guy who had been in the military, and apart from one person, were really supportive. Everyone still trained with me and I think I became a little closer connected to the club and its members. The reaction will vary though I can say it was really positive for to be myself with being able to be open about my sexuality and enjoy a sport I love.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

I’m put the long story short version in the first paragraph. Don’t let narrow minded people put you off doing what you love to do, be open to support from places you don’t expect, and be flexible; roll with the punches we’re appropriate and stand your ground when appropriate, is how I am trying to live my life.

I know expierences vary, different gym, different cultures, I’ve moved around in my lifetime, and been lucky enough to have lived in four counties and many different locations. In my time I’ve trained for more than a year at 11 different gyms in 6 different martial arts. You’d think by name I would good at one of them, still I set my expectations of myself very low and I often exceed them. I’ve trained at many others and I would say there are places I’ve been too where I have felt uncomfortable and moved on. I think be choosey about where you train but also be open that should people find out you’re gay they might be more supportive than expect, or not, everyone’s different.

In my twenties I did say a friend that I was afraid there will never be a woman for me. She said there is someone for every one and later when I cam out to her she remembered my one liner. Long story short I avoid answering the question or I’m honest. I probably do pass for straight given who I am but I don’t think that is me being untrue to my nature, and I’ve generally found it easier on me if I’m open about my sexuality.

I joined a normal social rugby team, social and had been training with them for a couple of months. No one me about girl friends though I’m sure I was sussed, realised to be gay, by some of the team. I had an injury which took me out for the season, not playing rugby but at a gym during a power cut. Anyway if the 25 ish guys on the team only one ever said to me anything remotely homophobic at was during scrum training. I was behind a prop who said don’t you touch me, not nasty more a command. My primitive brain went literal first, I can’t d be part of a scrum without touching you I’m not Yoda, string with force not am I. Then I thought he means touch his crotch for an erotic thrill. That was never my I tension with any of my teammates even I found most really hot. I then bound with as I would normally as I was planning too and he was fine. Didn’t treat me any differently from the others in my perception. This is an old Australian gay comedy. At 1:54 there is a scrum scene, it’s rugby league which is different in some ways from rugby union which I prefer but it’s close enough to get the picture of what a scrum is. In union they generally bind and push much harder where as in league it us much looser so they get disengage quickly, see contested vs uncontested scrums for part of that picture. I gravitate to being a forward and subtly is not our strong suit.

Film is here, not sure why it hasn’t been pinged

My first gym was gb and it was an amazing experience. When i went tô the first class, i was really nervous about being gay, but they always treated me with kind and sense of brotherhood. Teacher was an awesome guy too! Unfortunatly, due tô pandemic, the gym was closed

Thanks for sharing your experience!

My experience has always been a good one. I think it only becomes an issue if you make it one. The Gracie family is also a big family. Gracie Barra is different than Gracie Academy. they have a good website that shows places to train. don't give up on BJJ. It's challenging enough to start up. Try not to overthink it. Different places have different vibes. You also have an opportunity to represent the Gay community and break some of the ignorant stereotypes other people may carry. Be yourself.

Thanks for the reply!

Agreed, and also important to remember that these associations are huge and one club/gym will be a completely different experience from another sometimes. Again my advice is to just go to a few different clubs and feel out how they are and what the atmosphere is like. I personally don't have any complaints about my club, and these kinds of social issues just haven't come up at all in my experience. You go there, you roll and drill for a bit and then you go home

Thanks for your viewpoint!

I joined a Gracie Barra school and trained for a little over a year before Covid hit. Their motto was "jiu jitsu for everyone" and I took them at their word. I had prior experience, which may have helped with acceptance. I don't know what people thought, but I tried not to care. Trouble is, over time people ask questions about spouses, kids, etc. I was always honest, but it's a fine line to answer questions like that and not elaborate. In a more urban area, I think it would be easier to be yourself.

The ‘hows your wife/girlfriend?’ Answer is always a nightmare tô me! Lol. They always talked about kids, wife, gf and i always tried tô avoid this… this situation always made me feel out of the context and certainly was a block for a depper relationship

Thanks for the viewpoint. Exactly stated my concern, questions about spouse, relationships. When people really press me on it, and I don’t want them to know much, my answer is going to be “I’m unloveable” and hope they get a laugh and stop the inquiry. I really have no desire to make anyone uncomfortable though, especially around here. That’s why I always end up thinking it’s just not for me.

You are not making no one incomfortable!! These questions Will be made in every situation, not just at the mats!! All you have tô do is avoid or tell them you are gay. I prefer avoidance.

Idk about that, maybe my experience has just been lucky and abnormal but if any such questions or inquiries have been made I just say I'm not seeing anyone atm and it gets left at that 😅 I don't see why you'd have to offer more information than that or why people would insist on anything, your private life is private and you choose how much of it you want to share with strangers you only meet and talk to a few times a week. Like I barely know the names of the people at my club, much less anything about their orientations, relationships, family situation and the like.

In India I was told the camel is the symbol of love….

If you can love a camel you can love anything.

I’ve never seen an issue in my 17 years of training and visiting gyms throughout the US.

On the mats (in a gym) sexuality doesn’t matter. In fact, it really shouldn’t be brought up regardless of whether you’re homosexual, heterosexual, or anything in between. The last thing you need in sport as intimate as BJJ are thoughts about sex. It makes it uncomfortable for everyone.

Thanks for the perspective, I agree.

I honestly believe you have to visit and feel the vibe out. That’s what I did when I settled on Kings combat. Pretty welcoming and a healthy female attendance - which is a good sign. I didn’t feel the same when going to the one near me - nothing overt. Keep in mind that it takes time for a group of people to warm up to you as well (part of human nature)

Yes I agree to that
Go and check it out. My dojo is amazing and im pretty openly gay in there! Got fully accepted and no bad experience, quite the opposite!!

Thanks for the advice. Hard to tell how serious people are about their views and what they would do about them. Maybe I can’t really fully judge by who they’re following on their social media. I just wish there were a more obviously progressive place around here. I’m already nervous about starting Jiu Jitsu, then there’s this other layer to be nervous about, for me anyway, at least in my head.

Stuff like that tends to be much more dependent on just where you are and the general attitude of the area/community in which you live rather than the association of the academy in question. Tbh, the only way to find out would be to just swing by the place on a visit, talk a bit with the coaches and get the feel of the vibe of the place and the people going there to train.

Thanks! Sorta bad news for me then. I checked some of the coaches liked pages, couple of them were those right wing personalities always triggered by Pride month and this or that. I just don’t think you can be too careful. They just have to think you’re gay and that would be enough, and if they hurt you intentionally, no one would say anything about it. Just the vibes I get in this area, generally. They’re real nice to people who are a lot like them, but I don’t think I can go off of that. Thanks for the comment.

Seeing a lot of Gracie Barra schools popping up. Anyone know or train at any of them? I always start looking up the history of things I’m curious about. Turns out, some pretty lousy behavior on the part of some of the Gracie family. Lots of violence toward gays and other bullshit. Just wondering because I’m interested in learning Jiu Jitsu, but not if any of that culture is passed down through any of these schools. I don’t think I’d be comfortable learning or training with someone who is homophobic and could also kill me with a choke.