I'm writing this as more to get how I feel out. It's probably a bit raw and a bit contradictory - and let's face it - self indulgent. But it's not the kind of things I can write or say to my friends or facebook.

So early hours of the morning, I'm watching the blue lights of the ambulance go into the distance. It's taking my dad away. He appears now to be stable but at the time ... we've been down this road with his health before and here we are again. I'm so worried, concerned and upset. But there's a different emotion there this time: guilt.

My greatest fear whenever I'm wrestling isn't that my body will turned up dumped in a wood somewhere. That used to be a legitimate fear. Now it's the missed calls, the voicemails and the texts that I've not seen because I've been too busy wrestling to notice them. I was at a great group meet on Sunday, but found myself having to go and check my phone to make sure I hadn't missed any messages. I hadn't - but I have missed things. I kinda feel instead of spending that Sunday away, I should've been home. I should've really. Maybe.

It's what made me decide to cut down on my wrestling. I am missing things. I'm worried if something happens I'm miles away - at least on average about a two hour train ride. Crippling guilt.

If I lived in London or Manchester - not so bad. Grab a match after work, and home like it's a school night. But I'm not doing that. I'm all over the place, having to overnight and the like. I dunno - at this precise moment that feels selfish of me. I dunno.

I know a fair few others on here have the responsibility towards others - be it elderly parents, ill partners, kids, and family. I have heard them say things about the juggle and the balance. The guilt too. I understand that now.

As I'm writing this, I'll be making my mum a cup of tea and try to persuade her to shut her eyes for a moment or two. She's been up longer than me. My turn to take the strain. She was doing that Sunday whilst I was out wrestling.

So that's my blog. It's not upbeat, funny or witty. They never are ;)

But its how I feel at the moment. I'm not sure I'm a good person. At this time I'm on a wrestling site blogging and sending reflexive trash talk messages in between.

There's a part of me that thinks I shouldn't cut down or cutback but cut out wrestling completely. But that's just how I'm feeling now and I have responsibilities to my opponents too. So I'm sticking around but I'm going to be quieter. Adjusting.

I'm not sure what road those blue lights were lighting up for me, my dad and mum just yet, and not sure where it is taking me.

Thanks for reading. I'll no doubt delete when I realise how non wrestling this is. Just had to vent.

Translate
Last edited on 3/22/2017 2:19 PM by hephaestion2014
PermaLink
Votes disabled.

Comments

7

surrey71 (22 )

3/22/2017 5:27 PM

Jon mate, I know how you feel - a close friend took his own life while I was wrestling in a small part of London with no mobile signal.
I had a ton of voicemails when I got to the tube station and blind panic set in.
You're not a bad person, I'm sure both your folks wouldn't want you to stop enjoying yourself.
You know where I am if you need me, but I'm genuinely glad to hear things are stable for your Dad.

Translate

RassleBrawl (18 )

3/22/2017 5:44 PM

I can fully understand, and as much as you have responsibilities regarding family, you have to look inside and decide where you need to be for the time being.
I have had issues in the past due to family and health you do feel that wrench of family ties pulling you to them and putting something else which had taken months of planning on the shelf.
I am glad your dad is stable and you have a kind caring ability, unless you have someone down on the mat.
If something arises then you need to sort it. I am sure your opponents will understand.
Stay well mate

Translate

toxic (13)

3/22/2017 8:08 PM

Very moving...
Don't think you're not a good person

Translate

Vanman (87 )

3/22/2017 9:01 PM

You are a great and feeling person!

Do everything you can to make your family happy, but remember they want you to be happy as well. If you enjoy wrestling then do it, just not necessarily against the ambulance man!

Hope your Dad gets better soon and your Mum stays healthy.

Translate

jason (27)

3/22/2017 9:45 PM

You are doing just fine with your emotions. Always difficult to juggle family and our wants and needs. I have found out-that if you do what your inner self tells you and it is good-that all things will work out over time. Keep up the good work!!!

Translate

Jedi (41)

3/23/2017 2:32 AM

I certainly hope you don't delete this; it is CERTAINLY about wrestling, and how it impacts us balancing other aspects of life.
The ways we choose to spend our time, our energy, our mind shape us, for good or ill. One can overthink it, obsessing about everything, but being mindful of what we do, how long we do it, and what we gain (or loose) from the activity helps us make better choices. Moderation is important.
I flew home a few years ago to say goodbye to my mom; she was at home, with hospice, and didn't have long. Knowing it was going to be a rough weekend, I set up a wrestling match at my hotel one morning. It gave me a way to blow off some steam, connect with someone, and have a little joy, feel alive. Yes, it was less time with mom. But it recharged me so I was more rested and more present when I was with mom, and the family.
From your post, your asking all the right questions: keep asking them, and working on the answers that work for you, and for your family. Best to you and yours
Harry

Translate

hephaestion2014 (51)

3/27/2017 12:53 AM

Sorry for the delay and lack of long personal reply. It's been a busy time. The Doctors seem to think it's a couple of days later till he can come home - so in between trying to sleep, work and visiting hours - it's been a hectic few days.

Thanks to everyone who reached out to me on here both on the blog and in private. I appreciate all the comments and the stories which made me understand I wasn't alone in how I felt. I was touched.

I'm in a bit of a better headspace. Sleep helps the brain sometimes. I'm not giving up wrestling - which is my thing I do need to do - going to balance it a bit though.

I've committed to a few meets especially in May - so I'll be scrubbing April to focus on the home and getting and doing what I need to there, and then I'll be back properly. With the minimum of guilt :)

Wrestlers beware lol

But again, thank you everyone. It all helped. The Admin should be proud of the great users of this site. Thanks.

Translate